The Worst Boarding School Ever
by FinalBananaHammock
Summary: With Noah, Cody, and Ezekiel sharing a room in Ontario High, insane teachers and bullies, teen hormones, and lots of drama, what could possibly go wrong? Here's a hint. A lot.
1. Moving In

"Thanks mom," Noah said, getting out of his moms huge dark blue van.

"And don't accept anything from minorities," His racist mom told him, poking her red-headed head out the window.

"I know mom." Noah rolled his eyes.

"And even if they say it's just Mentos…" She continued.

"I _know_ mother!" Noah said angrily. "And don't talk to strangers, and don't prank call, and don't read scary novels! I'll see you on Christmas break!" He said, unleashing a mild temper which he saved for his mom's racist comments.

"Okay son. I love you!" She said, rolling up the window and driving away.

Noah sighed. His mom had just dropped him off at Ontario State High, which was supposed to be an awesome boarding school. Noah was all for it until his mother informed him he would be sharing a room with two people.

Now he was stuck. Who knew what kind of freaks they would dump him with? But he had to suck it up and do it. It was his fault for not reading the form through properly, so he would just have to deal with it, he told himself.

He stood in front of the place. There was a big lawn of grass, with a sidewalk down the middle. Half way to a large brick building was a fountain, which created a large square with benches, and a few stands selling hot dogs, and clothes, and stuff like that. There were lots of people too. They either crowded the benches, or were in line at the stands.

Noah completely ignored them, and pulled his green plaid suitcases in through the glass doors in front. It was a nice place. It had a warm feel to it. The walls were a comforting brown, and there was a nice red carpet. Two staircases made of chocolate colored wood disappeared into the wall on either side. There was a desk in the middle, with a woman with a whole bunch of papers.

Noah approached it. The woman there was black, and suddenly Noah was really glad his mom didn't come with him. Her hair was full gray, tied up in a bun. Red rimmed glasses sat on her nose, which also sported a big mole.

"Can I help you?" She asked.

"Yeah, I'm Noah Undercoughler. I need my room assignment and all that stuff." He said. The woman should have already known what he wanted.

"Yes, get into one of the lines under the section for your last name, and they'll hook you up." She smiled, and indicated four tables a little ways behind her, and maybe ten people were there.

Noah mentally cursed himself. Now he looked stupid.

He got into the line marked S-Z. He was right behind some guy with a cowboy hat, and a pink shirt, completely undone. It was probably against whatever dress code they had there, but Noah didn't really care.

"Hey, I'm Geoff!" The guy said, turning to Noah.

"Hm," Noah said, not looking up from the book he materialized out of his back pocket.

"Who are you?" He asked, not showing the slightest sign of annoyance.

"Noah," He grunted. He was on a particularly exciting chapter, and he didn't enjoy being interrupted.

"Cool. So I guess we'll be seeing each other around later huh?" Geoff asked.

"Yeah," Noah said, not paying the slightest bit of attention.

"Alright," Geoff said, as the last person in between him and the front left.

"Next!" The lady up there called.

"See yah later!" He said to Noah, and walked up to the desk. "Geoff Rogan." He said.

"Sir, you're in the wrong line." The woman said.

"Oh, sorry!" Geoff said, looking at the sign for what might have been the first time, and moving over to the next line over, marked M-R.

"Noah Undercoughler." Noah said, closing his book and moving up. Whatever this lady had to say might actually be important.

"Here's your room key, schedule, and map of the school. The guy dorm is the staircase on the right." She handed him a key, and two sheets of paper. "Next!" She called when Noah walked away.

He walked up the staircase, luggage in tow. He read the number on his key. 13. Well that was just great. It didn't take a very long time of walking down the hall to find his room. It was low after all.

He opened the door to the room. On one side was a single bed, and on the left was a bunk bed. At the foot of each was a small wooden dresser, facing the middle. The beds touched the front and back wall of the room. In between them on the far wall was a table. There was just enough room for the door to open to the right without hitting the single bed.

Oh yeah, and there was another person sitting on the top bunk. He had on jeans and a tan hoodie that had probably never been washed, with a blue toque on top of unruly brown hair. The guy had stubble, and almond shaped brown eyes. Classic redneck. Noah could even smell the weird redneck stank.

"Hey, I'm Ezekiel eh." The guy said with a heavy Canadian accent.

"Hi, I'm Noah." Noah said, covering his mouth and nose as his eyes teared up, and he slid his stuff under the single bed. Claimed. "So, I guess we'll be living together for the next eight and a half months?" Noah asked, already not looking forward to it.

"I guess soo. It's nice to meet you." Ezekiel hopped off the bed, and held out his hand.

"Yeah…" Noah took it sensitively, reminding himself to wash it for at least ten minutes later.

"Hello roomies!" The door was thrown open, hitting Noah in the nose, and throwing him onto the sheet-less bed.

"Ow!" He cried. The school year wasn't off to a good start.

A guy with a tan sweater with a polo shirt underneath, combed brown hair, and a gap in his teeth entered, with a duffel bad and keyboard under his arm.

"Ever heard of knocking?" Noah asked, sitting up and covering his nose, which didn't seem to be bleeding. But you can never be to sure.

"Well it's gonna be my room too!" The guy said, throwing his stuff under the bed below Ezekiel's. "I'm Cody!" Cody said, laying down on it, despite it not having sheets.

"I'm Ezekiel eh." Ezekiel said.

"Noah," Noah introduced himself.

"Cool," Cody said. "It's been a long drive here, so I'll just crash now, if you guys don't mind." He covered his eyes with his sleeve.

"With no covers?" Noah asked.

"I'll handle it later." Cody said nonchalantly.

"Hey, that reminds me!" Ezekiel pulled a black duffel from under the bed, and removed a small TV from it. But Noah didn't see how sheets reminded him of it.

"Nice!" Cody said, sitting up, all thoughts of a nap put aside.

Ezekiel set the TV on the table, and plugged it into an outlet below it.

"Alright! Now where's the remote?" Cody asked.

"Ooh, remote. Oom, I think I left it at home, eh." He said, after looking through the duffel.

"You're kidding." Noah said, being his cynical self.

"Nah, I can just change it like this." Cody reached over and turned it on. One small advantage of having a small room.

"There are buttons on there?!" Ezekiel cried, having obviously not known that before.

And so began the first day of the rest if Noah's life. Clever huh? And I _definitely_ didn't steal from any given show on Fox50.

**A/N: So how did you guys like the first chapter? Yeah, it was kind of short, but it's an intro with no plot. And did I offend anyone with the racist mom thing? I'll change it if anyone things it maybe **_**too**_** racist or something. So tell me in your reviews, and hopefully you'll have some nice things for me too ;)**


	2. The First Day

_"Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!"_ Noah's alarm rang loudly in the dorm of three angsty teens.

"Oof, turn it off!" Ezekiel cried, tossing his pillow at the alarm clock. It did nothing.

_"Bleep! Bleep! Bleep!" _The alarm clock continued. Noah kicked it, and it did shut off.

"This early?!" Cody cried. It was 5 am.

"First class is in an hour and fifteen minutes!" Noah said, tiredly stumbling out of bed.

"You set your alarm an hour and fifteen minutes early?!" Ezekiel cried.

"Suck it up. Unlike you, I don't need my beauty sleep." Noah pulled open a drawer and pulling out an outfit for the day. Yellow T-shirt, white long sleeve shirt underneath, and black jeans.

"Where are you going?" Cody asked, as Noah reached for the doorknob.

"To shower and change clothes of course!" He said.

"You shower in the _moorning_?" Ezekiel asked.

"And you can change here. We're all dudes." Cody said.

And unfortunately, Noah was still standing in front of the door when it opened again, the knob hitting him in his jewels, and hitting him into the dresser.

"What's all the commotion?!" A punk with a green Mohawk and blue piercings everywhere popped inside. He looked like he had just woken up, and that wasn't good for nerds with his type.

"_Noah_ set his alarm clook an hour and a half early!" Ezekiel snitched.

"And you're Noah?" He asked Cody.

"No, that's me!" Noah squeaked, squished between the dresser and the door the punk was leaning on.

He got off, and swung the door half closed, and Noah collapsed on the floor, gasping for breath.

The delinquent squatted down, and grabbed Noah by the collar. "Name's Duncan, _Noah_." Duncan spat Noah's name out like acid on his tongue. "The guy who'll be dunking your head in the toilet if it happens again!" He let Noah go, and walked out the door.

"Well that was just great." Noah stood up and collected his clothes off the floor, along with a towel and toiletry bag. "If you'll excuse me, I'm going to take my shower." He walked outside and closed the door. Ten seconds later he popped his head in again. "And maybe tomorrow I'll set it thirty minutes later."

"Alright, listen up maggots!" An hour and fifteen minutes later Noah, along with Ezekiel, were standing in front of a set of bleachers on a football field. Ten others were there too, all in a line, as their huge black coach, Coach Hatchet, yelled at them. "Most of you have ordered your gym uniform! They'll be here tomorrow, but that doesn't mean I'm going easy. I want you all to run twenty laps around this field NOW!" Coach said.

Most people were scared into running, Noah and Ezekiel among them. But one girl with long black hair and an aura of attitude just walked.

"Do you not understand the word _run_?" Coach asked her.

"Look Coach Crazy," The girl said. "I don't run. And I definitely _don't_ run in high heel wedges."

Noah couldn't hear what Coach said to her, because he was already all the way around the track. But he could tell he liked this girl already.

"Watcha lookin' at eh?" Ezekiel asked, jogging beside Noah. He was having a little bit more trouble then Noah, though. For the first time he noticed Ezekiel had a little bit of a gut on him.

"What do you think her name is?" Noah asked, indicating the girl still arguing with Coach.

"I heard her talking too one of her friends eh. I think her name is Heather." Ezekiel informed him.

"Heather. Sounds spoiled." Noah said, judging a book by its cover. From all the books he read, he thought he was pretty good at it.

"Yeah, I saw her with one whole bag foor just shoes." Ezekiel said.

In a few moments of jogging silently, they passed Heather again, who was still walking. It seemed Coach hadn't been able to convince her to do otherwise.

Noah decided to not give the impression that he liked her at all, so he jogged past, bumping her in the process, completely nonchalant.

"Ugh! Nerd!" Heather scoffed.

"Ugh! Drama queen!" Noah said over his shoulder sarcastically.

At five laps, Noah started to breath heavily. At ten laps, Noah started to trip and stumble more often. At fifteen laps, he was panting and walking. Finally at the twentieth lap, he flopped down on the bleachers.

"I could have done that better if I had my gym uniform!" He informed Heather, who sat down a few rows down.

"Sure, geek." She said, turning away.

"Humph," Noah said, sitting up.

Ezekiel stumbled up to him, looking like he was barely conscious.

"You okay Ezekiel buddy?" Noah asked.

In response, he fell down on the bleacher next to him and fell asleep.

Coach blew his mighty whistle, and Ezekiel sat up quickly, and fell off the bleacher in surprise.

"Nice," Noah said, putting his feet on his head.

"Hah, hah! Funny every time!" Coach laughed. "Alright! Hit the showers maggots!"

"Come on Zeke!" Noah said, poking him with his foot. Apparently he fell asleep again. Everybody else was walking away towards where the locker rooms were. "Hm," Noah thought of something that might work. He grabbed Noah's toque, and ripped it off his head.

"Ah! What oor you doing?!" Ezekiel jumped up and snatched the incredibly stereotypical hat out of Noah's hand.

"You were asleep. Time to hit the showers." Noah said, hopping down off the bleachers.

"Ooh, ookay." Ezekiel hopped down after Noah.

When they got inside the lockers, Noah was horrified.

"So…we have to shower together?" He asked.

"Where I coom froom, we all shower in a bucket, eh." Ezekiel said, walking into one stall, and taking his shirt off.

"I'll pass," Noah said, walking out of the locker room.

"That'll be five bucks that he's gay." Somebody said as soon as Noah was out of earshot.

The rest of the day was pretty bad. It wasn't horrible, but he didn't see Cody or Ezekiel until two hours later at lunch. And that didn't exactly work out too well.

Lunch was in an outside square, with a fountain (Not the same square as out front). The tables were stone benches that wrapped around stone tables. It was fancy stuff.

Noah walked into the square with his tray. Cody and Ezekiel were sitting at a table with a person with a freckled face, glasses, and orange hair. There was also a girl with braces, glasses, and a side pony.

He was about to walk over to them, when he felt an arm around his shoulder. He looked up to find Geoff leading him away. Of course everyone in this story conveniently had the same lunch.

"Hey Noah!" Geoff said cheerfully.

"Hey Geoff," Noah said un-cheerfully.

"How about you come sit with me and my buds?" Geoff asked as more of a command then a question.

"Sure," Geoff steered him to a table with a girl with a blonde ponytail and blue sweatshirt, a big brown guy with a D on his olive shirt, and Heather.

Geoff sat him down next to her, and Geoff next to him.

"Hey guys, this is Noah!" Geoff said, introducing him. "He's really cool. He likes the books…and stuff." Geoff said. Noah didn't possibly know how Geoff thought he was cool when he had said a grand total of five words to him since they met.

"Hey," Noah said.

"And this is Bridgette, DJ, and Heather." Geoff introduced everyone else.

"Hi Noah," Bridgette said.

"Nice to meet you man." DJ said.

"And Duncan should be here soon." Geoff said.

"Hm," Noah said, already missing his book. Then the comprehension of what Geoff had just said hit him. He sat bolt upright

"Have you already met?" Geoff asked, seeing Noah's reaction.

Noah hyperventilated. "I guess you could say that. Um, I have to use the bathroom k? I'll be right back!" Noah stood up, abandoned his tray, and ran in the general direction of the bathroom.

"I'm so sure." Heather said.

Just then the green Mohawked delinquent touched down next to DJ.

"Hey Duncan, do you know a guy named Noah?" Geoff asked.

"I don't think so." Duncan said. But he took back what he said once he remembered a certain nerd that interrupted his sleep. "Well, actually, I think we do know each other."

"Well he was just here, and when we mentioned you, he ran off to the bathroom." DJ chuckled.

"Well I'll _talk_ to him about it later." Duncan said.

Noah walked into his room and flopped down on the bed. It had been a long first day, and he was _tired_. But since he had to go to a first day assembly in an hour, he reached over and clicked on the POWER button on Ezekiel's TV.

They were on channel 13, and Everybody Hates Chris was on. "Reminds me too much of my mom." He said, clicking it off. He had decided that the best thing to do would be to just read, when he heard someone running down the hall.

"Noah!" Came from outside, and the door knob jiggled. It was Duncan's voice. The door was locked, but if Noah could judge books by their covers as well as he thought he could, it wouldn't be for long.

He dived under Ezekiel and Cody's bed, and desperately looked for something he could defend himself with.

"Hey Noah! Guess who!" Duncan burst through the door after picking the lock.

"Freeze!" Noah was standing in the middle of the room, bow and arrow in hand. He had acquired some archery skills when his mom shipped him away to a sleep-away camp a few years earlier.

"What the hell…?" Duncan whispered to himself. "Now let's not do anything rash…" He said to Noah, backing away.

"To hell I'll do something rash if you don't get out of my room!" Noah said, with fake malice.

"Alright. But this isn't over!" Duncan closed the door, and his voice came from outside. "And you might wanna get a new lock."

Noah breathed a sigh of relief, and set the bow and arrow down on Cody's bed, which was still coverless. There was no possible way he would be able to shoot Duncan, and he couldn't believe the delinquent thought he would be able to.

"Hey Noah!" Cody said, walking in through the door.

"Hey Cody," Noah said, sitting down on his bed.

Cody sat on his, and also sat on something else, that made a snapping sound. "What is this?!" Cody sat up, and held the two halves of the bow in his hands.

"The bow I used to get Duncan out of our room." Noah said with a yawn.

"Where'd you get it?" Cody asked, tossing it into a trash can at the head of Noah's bed.

"Ezekiel's suitcase," Noah asked.

They looked at each other oddly.

"Let's both forget that one of our friends could have easily killed us in our sleep." Cody said.

"Agreed," Noah said, spooked.

**A/N: So how was that? So you know what to do! Give me your constructive criticism, but hopefully there'll be some sincere compliments in there too! Man, when I do this I feel like Michael Buckley after he finishes his script…SHA!**


	3. Ezekiel's Boo

"Do you have a four?" Cody asked.

"Go fish," Noah said.

"Darn it!" Cody said, drawing a card. He looked at his hand, which was getting unacceptably large.

"Do you have a seven?" Noah asked.

"Darn it!" Cody handed over his seven.

"Dude, you suck at this game." Noah said.

"It's total luck," Cody said.

"Hey guys!" Ezekiel called from under the bed, where he was looking for something.

"Yes, crazy prairie person I live with?" Noah asked.

"Have yoo seen my boo and arroo?" He asked, coming out.

"You mean the one you used to defend yourself against Duncan?" Cody asked.

"You mean the one you sat on?" Noah asked.

"Yoo sat on my boo?" Ezekiel cried.

"Hah, he said boo." Cody laughed.

"Yes, he sat on you bow, and then threw it in the trash." Noah said.

"Thanks pal." Cody said.

Ezekiel knelt down, and looked into the empty trash can. "It isn't in here eh!" He cried.

"Yeah, the trash can lady came earlier." Noah said nonchalantly, examining his hand.

"Well it's a family heirloom eh! We gotta go find it!" Ezekiel cried, throwing open the door.

"Right with you!" Cody dropped his cards, and ran out after him.

"How come I always have to lock up?" Noah asked himself, closing and locking the door.

He dashed into the reception room, where Ezekiel and Cody had bumped into Dean MacLean.

"Where does the trash go after the maids pick it up?" Cody asked. He was probably feeling guilty. Noah would never go through so much trouble for a _friend_.

"How am I supposed to know?" MacLean asked, fixing his hair in a hand-mirror. "Do I look like a maid to you?" He asked.

"Well…you are the Dean eh." Ezekiel said.

"What's that supposed to mean?" MacLean asked.

"Never mind you useless boob." Noah said, grabbing Cody and Ezekiel's arms, leading them past the useless Dean.

"As long as we understand each other!" MacLean said, walking away.

"Why do we call him a Dean? Why not just principal?" Cody asked.

"Why would you even ask that?" Noah said. "Now come on, let's just find Ezekiel's freakin' bow." He said.

They all walked through the front square, passing Geoff and Bridgette making out on a bench.

"We never saw that." Cody said.

"Look! Conveniently the garbage truck is still here!" Cody cried, pointing to the big green truck on the side of the road.

"Great!" Ezekiel cried.

"Stop right there!" Somebody said from behind them. They turned, to see Duncan standing with his arms crossed in the middle of the path.

"I hate my life." Noah said.

"Hey guys! Guess what!" He said.

"What, eh?" Ezekiel asked, totally clueless.

"I've got something for you. It starts with boom, and ends with bang!" He cracked his knuckles, and took a step forward.

_"You have a bomb?"_ Ezekiel cried.

"Yes, yes Ezekiel. He has a bomb." Noah said sarcastically.

"That's the last one! Now let's bring it home!" Some guy loading up trash in the truck called to someone driving it.

The truck began to roll slowly. Cody looked nervously at it. Noah looked nervously at Duncan. Ezekiel was the one to take the initiative.

"BOO!" He cried, running after the truck.

"Are you trying to scare me dork?" Duncan asked running after.

Cody and Noah looked nervously at each other, and ran to bail Ezekiel out.

The truck started rolling faster and everyone tried to keep up.

"Yes!" Ezekiel cried, jumping onto the truck, and grabbing a ladder.

"Actually, this really isn't worth it." Duncan stopped in the middle of the road. But as Cody and Noah ran past him, he tripped Cody up, making him fall.

"You go on without me!" He cried, as Duncan dragged him off to who knows where. Noah abandoned his friend, and managed to get onto the truck too.

"Alright! What now?" Noah asked, yelling over the loud engine.

"Find my boo!" Ezekiel cried, climbing up the ladder, and standing on top of the vehicle.

"That's a lot of trash!" Noah cried, looking at the huge pile of stuff.

"Boo!" Ezekiel cried, jumping into a huge pile of spaghetti.

"Alright…" Noah jumped onto a seemingly clean garbage can lid, and looked under a banana peel. Finding nothing, he called to Ezekiel. "It isn't over here!"

"Ookay! I'll check under this huge pile of lasagna eh!" Ezekiel said, reaching inside.

"Props to you," Noah said, tentatively reaching into a box filled with who knows what.

"Wait, what was that?" Ezekiel asked as they heard a rumbling noise.

"Uh oh." Noah said, noticing for the first time that they had reached their destination.

They were in the junk yard. And do you know what garbage trunks do when they reach a junk yard?

"We're being dumped eh!" Ezekiel cried, jumping into a box for protection.

"Nothing good has ever come from junk yards! You remember what happened to Xander?" Noah yelled.

"I hated Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Make a cheesy reference to soomthing else eh!" Ezekiel cried.

"Um…the last time I was here I saw a bird carry off a small dog in its beak **[1]**…?" Noah asked.

"It'll doo." Ezekiel said.

"Ah!" Noah cried, as they were dumped into the junk yard. The next few minutes were a blur. But what Noah did remember his garbage can lid hitting him in the head, pizza sauce all over his shirt, and tasting apple for some reason.

"Eh! Wake up eh!" Ezekiel cried, shaking Noah awake roughly ten minutes later. He was covered in goop, and had a rotten apple in his mouth.

After pulling it out, he asked, "What am I doing here?"

"Finding my boo!" Ezekiel said, looking under a broken TV.

"Boo?" Noah asked.

"No, boo!" Ezekiel said, looking inside a broken refrigerator.

"Oh yeah." Noah sat up, and halfheartedly poked under a satellite dish with an old baseball bat.

"Oh no!" Ezekiel cried, as his toque was blown off of his head by the wind, and carried over one of the junk piles.

"Well that's great." Noah said, as Ezekiel climbed over the mountain. Noah followed, and reached the peak. "Wow, this place is huge." Noah said, looking over the huge yard.

"Shoold we do a wildlife commercial?" Ezekiel asked.

"Alright fine, just so long as no hippies look at my crotch." Noah said, standing on the very peak. "Do you see this?" He asked, indicating the junk yard. "You can prevent this wasteland, by just simply putting the soda in the green can!" Noah said. "This is the main character, and you need to recycle!" Noah stepped down. "Alright, Ezekiel. I think we're good."

"Great! Now here's my toque!" He picked up the hat.

"And here's the bow!" Noah picked up the broken piece of wood with a string attached to it. "You really want this?"

"BOO!" Ezekiel ran forward and hugged it to his chest. "But how did it get all the way over here?" He asked.

"It's called cartoon physics. You should watch more Teletoon." Noah said, attempting to climb the pile again.

"Okay, now let's go hoom eh." Ezekiel said.

"Do you think Cody is alright?" Noah asked, attempting to brush some of the crap off his shirt.

"Ooh, I'm sure he'll be fine eh." Ezekiel assured him.

"Do you think Cody will still be a virgin when we find him again?" Noah joked.

"I doon't get it,"

**[1] This is a Malcolm in the Middle reference. Dewey and Hal were going off to the junkyard to throw out their old couch.**

** A/N: So how did you like that one? Am I going to ask that every time? Yes I will! And for those of you who don't watch either of the shows I've just referenced, you should. Complain about it in your reviews!**


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